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Philips CD-i: The Games Themselves

Our last edition of the smash hit left us at the beginning of the CD-I, 1991. Philips was faced with the tough task of putting together a c...

Monday 6 June 2016

Philips CD-i: The Games Themselves

Our last edition of the smash hit left us at the beginning of the CD-I, 1991. Philips was faced with the tough task of putting together a console to compete with the TurboGrafx and Genesis, whilst still having a fully functioning computer to compete with the Commodore Amiga and Apple Newton. We all know how that project turned out, don't we?
Demonic bastards
The first couple of years in the CD-i's life were unremarkable; few games were put out on the system and the majority of titles focused on educational tasks. But after a long litigation feud with Nintendo, Philips found themselves with the famed licences to a whole range of classic Nintendo games. Mario, Metroid, Kid Icarus, Mario Party, they had them all. Well, that was a rapid decline in quality. WHERE WAS THE QUALITY ASSURANCE??? But what did they do with them??? We tied Elliott Cook to a chair to test them. All in the name of science, I guess. Maybe he is the quality assurance, eh? Well, I suppose it's too little too late. Let's get started.


GAME 1: HOTEL MARIO RUBBISH
Jesus Christ
A rubbish game with rubbish controls featuring in a rubbish post on a rubbish blog hosted by a rubbish website created by a rubbish person added to by rubbish contributors made on a rubbish computer tested with a rubbish emulator rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish  rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish rubbish

GAME 2: LINK: THE FACES OF EVIL
Kill me now - Elliott Cook, 2016
Time for a short history lesson. You see once upon a time Nintendo decided to add a cd game player onto the Super Nintendo. This deal was made with a couple different companies including Phillips, and Sony. Even though the idea was eventually scrapped (because the Sega Mega cd did so badly), but Phillips still decided to make their own video game system called the CD-i. Phillips also got control of 5 Nintendo characters to use in their games. A horrible Mario game and two Zelda games were created. As Nintendo had nothing to do with these games you can just imagine how awesome they are.
The game is a side scroller, but it's not a good one. The controls are incredibly bad and frustrating. The cut scenes are lame and uninspired. The acting is the lowest humanly possible. The story could have been thought up by a 2 year old. And it would have probably been better honestly. This and it’s Zelda game are two of the worst video games in existence. We are talking bad here. Superman 64 bad. Avoid at all costs to your wallet. And your sanity as well.

That is all. Elliott was begging for his sanity and/or life, and was threatening to throw a controller at a wall, so we ended the torture. Have you seen how much CD-i's cost on eBay anyway? It's insane! Thank you,
By mainly Bat Nerd

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